I thought I should go ahead & introduce myself to the group & put it all out there, something I haven’t done with anyone in the “real world”.
I am 37 years old, married 12 years, my husband is 12 years older than I am (49). I was a virgin when I met him at 25 (he was 36) and I had (and still have) all these ideas of what my role and his are supposed to be.
I thought/think men want sex all. the. time. My understanding is that men think about sex all day, they want sex every day (maybe not that much but at least once a week!), and that, when they see their wives, they can’t keep their hands to themselves; whether it be by groping or petting or hugging, men love to touch their mates.
Well, my husband has never been very affectionate. I used to chalk it up to immaturity or having been raised by parents who were not affectionate. I see my sisters’ husbands always grabbing them, kissing them, making suggestive remarks, patting their butts, etc. & it’s extra frustrating that my husband won’t even put his arm around me when we’re standing right next to each other. (I’m working up to the ED/impotence part of the story, I promise!)
So, ever since we were dating then engaged and even as newlyweds, our sex life has been thin. See, I would love to have sex every day~I LOVE SEX!! My husband, however, used to be fine with once a week or even less. He would blame it on being too tired. I told him we could go to bed earlier, not actually going to sleep, just skipping TV shows so we could spend time together in bed (I believe in No TV’s in the Bedroom). He would never make the effort to go to bed earlier, even when I said, “Let’s go.” He always had something on the computer to take care of or wanted to catch something on TV. SO, I told him that he should wake me up whenever he woke up & we could have morning sex whenever we wanted (he used to get up @ 4:30AM as habit even though he didn’t have to be at work until 7AM & it was only a ten minute drive). I didn’t have to be to work until 8AM so it was pretty meaningful (I thought) that I wanted to be woken up two hours earlier than usual to fit in time for sex. He never would do it & I would sleep right through him getting up & not wake up until I heard him leaving the house. When I would ask him he would say he didn’t want to disturb me & I told him again and again that I WANTED him to wake me up!!
Skip ahead almost a decade and this is where we are now:
We haven’t had sex in two years.
I am miserable and, as women tend to do, trying to self-medicate with food, which means I feel even worse about myself.
He went to the dr two summers ago & the dr put him on thyroid medication. Summer of 2010, the dr kept him on the thyroid meds but my husband said he didn’t feel like it was helping so he only took it intermittently and, most recently, not at all.
This summer, I called the dr to see if my husband had made his yearly appt. The nurse told me I was NOT AUTHORIZED to have the information!!!! Obviously felt like my husband was hiding a lot from me so I asked the nurse if she would write a note for the dr to put in my husband’s file. I had picked up several things from this group that I thought were pertinent so I told her how he is irritable (crabby, hateful to me & our 2 kids), uninterested in sex, & still tired all the time. I told her I felt like maybe he had low testosterone (even though he said that the last summer his range was “normal”).
My husband got his test results this past Monday & didn’t share them with me. I asked him on Wednesday if he got them & he said yes, that everything was good. He said, “My cholesterol was GREAT!” I said, “Your cholesterol is ALWAYS great. I don’t care about your cholesterol.” Before I could ask him anything specific, he said, “Everything else was in the ‘normal’ range.” I said, “Well, there is such a thing as LOW NORMAL & who knows what NORMAL is for you, anyway?” He didn’t say anything else even though I have mentioned to him the at-home testosterone shots, the in-office testosterone shots, and some other things I have read about online.
I really didn’t think my husband had a testosterone or ED or impotence issue until I joined this group & started reading posts that sounded very close to home. I always thought was more like the woman in our relationship where he withholds sex as a punishment to me or he’s just so selfish that he would rather masturbate in the shower (which he does) than be with me b/c it’s too much work for him or it’s not convenient for him.
You know, I wasn’t the kind of girl who had unrealistic expectations of my marriage. I knew it would be work & the romance would ebb & wane & flow back from time to time but I never thought I would spend years in misery because of sex. I feel rejected, worthless, embarrassed, frustrated, disheartened, discouraged, sad, angry, disappointed, and, most of all, hopeless.
How am I supposed to salvage my marriage when my partner doesn’t even see that there’s a problem?
So, there it is.
I don’t know that there’s anything anyone in the group can tell me that will make me feel better or give me hope but, I guess that, like everyone’s posts have been for me, maybe someone else will see something of their own struggles in my post & feel like they’re not so alone.
Thanks for your time!