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After reading James’ message last night “Lets start the conversation”

I thought I should go ahead & introduce myself to the group & put it all out there, something I haven’t done with anyone in the “real world”.

I am 37 years old, married 12 years, my husband is 12 years older than I am (49). I was a virgin when I met him at 25 (he was 36) and I had (and still have) all these ideas of what my role and his are supposed to be.

I thought/think men want sex all. the. time. My understanding is that men think about sex all day, they want sex every day (maybe not that much but at least once a week!), and that, when they see their wives, they can’t keep their hands to themselves; whether it be by groping or petting or hugging, men love to touch their mates.

Well, my husband has never been very affectionate. I used to chalk it up to immaturity or having been raised by parents who were not affectionate. I see my sisters’ husbands always grabbing them, kissing them, making suggestive remarks, patting their butts, etc. & it’s extra frustrating that my husband won’t even put his arm around me when we’re standing right next to each other. (I’m working up to the ED/impotence part of the story, I promise!)

So, ever since we were dating then engaged and even as newlyweds, our sex life has been thin. See, I would love to have sex every day~I LOVE SEX!! My husband, however, used to be fine with once a week or even less. He would blame it on being too tired. I told him we could go to bed earlier, not actually going to sleep, just skipping TV shows so we could spend time together in bed (I believe in No TV’s in the Bedroom). He would never make the effort to go to bed earlier, even when I said, “Let’s go.” He always had something on the computer to take care of or wanted to catch something on TV. SO, I told him that he should wake me up whenever he woke up & we could have morning sex whenever we wanted (he used to get up @ 4:30AM as habit even though he didn’t have to be at work until 7AM & it was only a ten minute drive). I didn’t have to be to work until 8AM so it was pretty meaningful (I thought) that I wanted to be woken up two hours earlier than usual to fit in time for sex. He never would do it & I would sleep right through him getting up & not wake up until I heard him leaving the house. When I would ask him he would say he didn’t want to disturb me & I told him again and again that I WANTED him to wake me up!!

Skip ahead almost a decade and this is where we are now:
We haven’t had sex in two years.
I am miserable and, as women tend to do, trying to self-medicate with food, which means I feel even worse about myself.
He went to the dr two summers ago & the dr put him on thyroid medication. Summer of 2010, the dr kept him on the thyroid meds but my husband said he didn’t feel like it was helping so he only took it intermittently and, most recently, not at all.

This summer, I called the dr to see if my husband had made his yearly appt. The nurse told me I was NOT AUTHORIZED to have the information!!!! Obviously felt like my husband was hiding a lot from me so I asked the nurse if she would write a note for the dr to put in my husband’s file. I had picked up several things from this group that I thought were pertinent so I told her how he is irritable (crabby, hateful to me & our 2 kids), uninterested in sex, & still tired all the time. I told her I felt like maybe he had low testosterone (even though he said that the last summer his range was “normal”).

My husband got his test results this past Monday & didn’t share them with me. I asked him on Wednesday if he got them & he said yes, that everything was good. He said, “My cholesterol was GREAT!” I said, “Your cholesterol is ALWAYS great. I don’t care about your cholesterol.” Before I could ask him anything specific, he said, “Everything else was in the ‘normal’ range.” I said, “Well, there is such a thing as LOW NORMAL & who knows what NORMAL is for you, anyway?” He didn’t say anything else even though I have mentioned to him the at-home testosterone shots, the in-office testosterone shots, and some other things I have read about online.

I really didn’t think my husband had a testosterone or ED or impotence issue until I joined this group & started reading posts that sounded very close to home. I always thought was more like the woman in our relationship where he withholds sex as a punishment to me or he’s just so selfish that he would rather masturbate in the shower (which he does) than be with me b/c it’s too much work for him or it’s not convenient for him.

You know, I wasn’t the kind of girl who had unrealistic expectations of my marriage. I knew it would be work & the romance would ebb & wane & flow back from time to time but I never thought I would spend years in misery because of sex. I feel rejected, worthless, embarrassed, frustrated, disheartened, discouraged, sad, angry, disappointed, and, most of all, hopeless.

How am I supposed to salvage my marriage when my partner doesn’t even see that there’s a problem?

So, there it is.
I don’t know that there’s anything anyone in the group can tell me that will make me feel better or give me hope but, I guess that, like everyone’s posts have been for me, maybe someone else will see something of their own struggles in my post & feel like they’re not so alone.

Thanks for your time!

admin October 26, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

The answer is NOT ALWAYS to LEAVE

Some women, like myself, choose to find a way to find peace …some way to live….figure out how to liv v v v v vv e, not merely co-exist within the perameters the marriage we promised ourselves to . Leave every time there is a problem? I thank the poster who suggested the marriagebed.com. It did list grin & bear it as an option. I like the words that the man is out of God’s will as it says in 1 Cor…. must not deny the other, except if it is concensual. ..and that only for a time… I need help to live within this. Not words that give me shame for staying!(being loyal)… I’ve done nothing wrong. (I did learn something here.. it’s not me it’s not me it’s not me…)
So back to it’s not me mantra…and give women the freedom to CHOOOOSE their OWN life, and whatever they chose, help them not suffer…we do not have to suffer, there is another way. Together, we can find peace. I am sure of it. I applaud you mothers who realize how beautiful that title is. Being a mother includes sacrifice at times. for the better good. Whatever life you chose women, you go ahead and chose that. You can be YOU. Let us help each other be OURSELVES.
OK I’ll take my own advice…I usually take care of everyone else before me, and all this ED has gotten me on antidepressants. But, the antidepressants have let me be in the same room as this husband I think is selfish, not going to help help anywhere. So, this has gotten me some peace. and not disturbed my kids home, as leaving would. When i have an hour free, instead of doing an extra load of laundry, i stop at the park, and sit there, and just …be. I take in the sparkling water, and ducks& geese… I don’t tell anyone so i don’t feel guilty, and they don’t ask more of me. Just this little moment(s) has made me happier. I am looking for what “I” like to do. I forgot. I have been so deep into making everyone in the house happy, I forgot who I even am. These are some things i am doing to get some happiness without bringing someone else into the marriage (triangle) Does anyone have any good things to do or think, for women who chose to stay? seriously.
Let’s try to support each other’s descisions here. or at least offer options. All the options.

Thanks everyone, I’d like this to be a place we can come that we have each other’s back,…. not like an episode of Bev Hills Houswives. Again, thanks.

admin October 18, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

I don’t really know any good strategies for those of us who choose to stay

It’s painful – but leaving has its own pain. I too have no wish to disrupt my children’s home and, while we have had some resolution in our marriage at this point, I just build things into my own life that give me meaning outside the relationship. I’m believing that with time, peace or resignation will follow. As someone who also puts others first, I’ve learned that doing little things for myself is important – like you, going and sitting and watching the ducks, going to see a film while the children are at school, going for a walk, reading a book, buying clothes that make me feel good.

admin October 12, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

Yes, of course staying is definitely on option, if a woman can find a peaceful way to do so

BUT, it is assumed that a woman has found her way to this list because she is unhappy, maybe looking for answers to questions that truthfully only her spouse (and his doctor) can answer..
Grin and bear it as a life option? Really? OK if it works for you then by all means, good for you!
I’m thinking that someone who has come to this list has probably tried many things and meditation is wonderful. Yoga is great, taking classes, hobbies, joining a book discussion group. All terrific things to do.

But at the end of the day…..one ends up laying in bed next to one’s husband and not every woman is happy suppressing her sexual desire.

admin October 3, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

I did not say i was happy. Am i supposed to be happy all the time?

There are consequences to leaving, and different logistics in that realm. Leaving would get rid of not having sex, but not really, because i would still not be having sex, as i wish it to be within the confines of marriage.

I will not be happier if i leave.

I am not happy now. I seek now, how to find myself , and figure out how to seep hapiness into my life. I have been all this time making sure everyone else was happy. It is a process. i will give myself as much time as is needed . The Bible says love bears all things. We may have different beliefs.

I am trying to figure out how to bear it.

good luck to us all.

May we find warmth somewhere.

May we find it here.

admin September 26, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

Good on you for doing what is right for you

And good on those who have chosen different paths too. Staying doesn’t mean choosing to be unhappy. I think of the following:
-leaving is just swapping one set of stresses for another.
-if I decided to start a new relationship what if my new husband developed ED? Or another health problem? No guarantees about that. Do I just leave again?
-a partner is not how I need to be happy. I need to find happiness in myself first without looking for someone else to complete me. Until I have that, moving on isn’t going to bring contentment.
-if I developed health problems that interfered with my ability to have sex, how would I feel if my husband up and left?

admin September 19, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

Well ladies and gentlemen, this list helped me at a time when I needed help

For some time now, however, my husband chose to get help, and it worked better than I ever imagined.

Is it perfect? Of course not, nothing is…but at least he has been honest with me and with himself, found a urologist that is very understanding and has helped tremedously. He injects himself once a week with testosterone, it’s cheaper than anything he tried previously (very much cheaper)…and once in a while, he takes a cialis, but for the most part his night time and morning woodies are back, and we function a whole lot better.
I will say that it took years to get to this point, though. I give him a lot of credit for confronting something that made him feel less of a man. I can definitely understand not wanting to look at that.
SO, I thought I would stay on the list for a while and give some feedback to others, as in helping as I was helped. But I don’t think it’s being appreciated or taken in the right vein so I’ll bid you all farewell and good luck to you all.
First thing tomorrow when I’m not so tired I’ll figure out how to unsubscribe from the list.

Thanks again.

admin September 12, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

I was prescribed:

25 mg Imitrex tablets – 9 pills are packaged in a foil peel-off card, and there were 3 of those cards + 3 given to me in an Imitrex box.

It cost me $15 bucks! I have Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Florida. And I’m allowed 5 more refills before 12-10-14.

And this script was just happily handed over to me by my gynecologist after I said “hey, I’ve been getting migraines with my periods lately” – amazing, considering what I’ve been through with my 11yr old son for the past year…a chiropractor, 2 neuros, Luvox, Midrin, Butalbital, Ultram and finally, just before Christmas, his neuro gave him 4 sample pills of Amerge to try out.

admin September 3, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

Roll over migraines

I have come to the conclusion that migraines aren’t just sinus related or hormon related or food related with me, they are everything related! I suffer from those kinds of headaches you are describing; you medicate for one late afternoon or evening and sleep okay but in the morning another one is coming on or the opposite is more true for me; have one in the morning, medicate and have another by dinner time. My neurologist calls those roll over migraines and prescribed the newer drug Amerge which has a longer life in your body to catch roll over migraines. It is a triptan like Imitrex but works well for me.
What dosage Imitrex were you given? And how were you prescribed 30 pills at a time? I get nine per prescription with refills allowed. Those nine pills cost $150.00. What do 30 cost?

admin August 26, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

Welcome to our “family” Motherbrucker!

This is a safe place where you can let it all out and vent to your heart’s content. We all understand the overwhelming feelings you are having right now. Relax, if you can, and take what you need that is offered here, and toss out what you don’t. Each of us here is carefully walking a difficult path and we lean on each other for support and understanding….

admin August 22, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

I feel absolutely lost – I’m new to all of this

I have no clue about pumps or Free T’s or  anything about anything. All I know is that my husband now has ED as a result of Type 2  diabetes. We’ve had a sporatic sex life over the years, so I didn’t realize how severe it’s been  for him. He’s tried all kinds of medications but then said he never put the moves on me  because of my teenage daughter being home or this or that. Now I realize he’s desperate. I  thought he was just jerking off at the internet or something. I didn’t think that we haven’t  had sex in months and months because he is unable to get an erection.

I have no one to talk to about this at all. The one friend I should be able to talk to has let me  know it made her uncomfortable when I told her that my husband was wetting the bed. This  was right before the diabetes diagnosis. I was terrified it was prostate cancer. My friend’s  father is a doctor, so I thought it was ok to level with her. Well I’ll be damned if I’m going to  tell her that he’s impotent now.

I feel like my entire sex life is over. I occasionally masturbate with a vibrator alone. The  thought that this is my future has become overwhelmingly depressing to me.

I’m very relieved to start learning more from you. Thanks.

Have you tried joint counseling?

When a man doesn’t have a strong desire he may not have the stamina for intercourse but your doing oral on him may be ok. He may not stay erect enough for intercourse. I have found that after taking antidepressants I have gotten some of my libido back, but I still don’t have a strong enough erection to have intercourse. And I don’t even want to use viagra (figure that one out?).
I have been going to therapy for myself to see if it’s mental or physical (my testosterone is normal 540). We now have started joint counseling to see if we can communicate better (we can’t seem to talk about it).
My SO doesn’t seem interested in sex and we have been without it for many years.

We love each other and get along great (good roomies)but I don’t wish to live like this. Funny but I’m the one that doesn’t have the libido…but if viagra works (and it does to masturbate) why don’t I use it with her? That’s what I’m trying to resolve in counseling.

The best way to find a therapist, IMO, is word-of-mouth

I’d also try  the local County Mental Health bureau for a referral. How about your  family doctor?

What kind of support group are you looking for? In the local section of  my Sunday paper, they list local support groups, like AA, Alanon, etc.
Does your newspaper do the same? If the support you’re seeking is  relevant to our topic, I can honestly say that I haven’t ever heard of  any group dealing with this subject matter that you can physically  attend–this doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

On this group, we have many members who have “called it quits” and have  started new lives. Perhaps we can help you here…the group doesn’t  really focus on solving your man’s ED difficulties; if anything, it has  more to do with supporting members with the life choices that ED brings.

My prescription plan

(I work for a state government) covers ED treatments but only with limitations. They will give me only 4 tablets per month. I am fairly fortunate in that I use Viagra and only need a dose of 25mg so my doc prescribes 100mg tabs and I cut them in quarters. That gives me 16 possible opportunities for sex per month.

My question is: if you have a prescription plan, does it cover these meds and if it does, are there limitations?

My plan covers birth control pills and obviously, women get a full month’s supply. So they can have sex every day of the month if they want to. I feel this is discriminatory against men. Why are they imposing limits on the number of times a month I have sex. Their intent is that I only have sex 4 times per month and if I needed the full 100mg dose, that’s all I would be able to have. I would have no problem if they didn’t cover ED meds if they also didn’t cover birth control pills. Talk about a double standard?

In most women, birth control pills are not for treating a medical ailment (although sometimes they are precribed for medical problems), they are for preventing pregnancy. ED treatments are for a real medical ailment and yet they look at men having sex as an option, and too bad if he can’t, he can live without it.

I am sick of people not taking ED seriously and not treating it as the real medical problem it is and looking at a healthy sex life as something a man can live without. Because of ED I am also being treated for depression. My plan covers all those drugs completely. Ironic, isn’t it?

Anybody else as mad as I am? Anybody have any suggestions?

The worst part is they know the average man won’t sue because of the embarrassment he would feel being thrust into the limelight. I’ve even contacted the American Civil Liberties Union and they told me “ED is not an issue of interest.” If I had a vagina instead of a penis (working or not) they would sure as hell be interested in my concerns. And believe me, I don’t hate women, I love them. I only hate the inequity between men and women in matters like these. I can really understand how women feel when they don’t get paid the same wage as men for the same job.

Hope you are still around.

Can’t understand why no one offered some advice. There are several causes of ED. One is psychological and when you have trouble you can’t get past the first erection because of fear or something close to it.

Have you tried any of the pills and what was the result?

The pills work very well for many when the nerves essential forerections are still functioning very well.

Diabetes can bring ED due to nerve damage and the pills will only work for a while.

Once the nerves go bad then trimix or caverject are the best alternatives. I am 75 and trimix still works like magic giving me a very firm erection that lasts for more than an hour. This works on smooth muscles that controls the blood flow into and out of the penis.

As you do have erections at night, you do not have any leakage problems which are related to damage to the blood supply.

In your society there must be urologists that treat ED. Ask for an appointment after you find out he provides injection therapy. Stabbing yourself with a syringe will be easy after you see the sample erection he gives you. The side of the penis is not as tender as you expect.

I also receive testosterone replacement therapy as my T levels were down when I turned 60 and had only one functioning testicle. This was 1991 before pills for ED. The 20 75 mg hormone pellets were installed under the skin on my back hip below my belt and last for 4 months, now i can order in nfsno.org (canadian pharmacy), I immediately felt better and had more stamina and mental agility. There was a temporary improvement in erections which faded back to my normal ED problem after the T level stabilized at the new high level. I thought I would get that back with the next set of pellets but was told it is due to a surge of T or a ramping up of the T level and goes away after a few weeks. Do not expect your ED to be cured, but in your case your problem could be low T levels.

It is tough to find an endocrinologist that treats andropause. They are scarce. My doctor, Dr. Gambrell died in June and his partner, Dr. Natrajan, in Augusta GA will take me as his patient.

Viagra?

My urologist prescribed viagra for me on a medical problem. He also gave me some samples which I just noticed that they are out of date, does viagra have a short/long shelf life?

I had a radical prostatectomy (open) in October 2007

I finally started injections today. 2 mcg of protaglandin-E (Caverject / alprostadil / Edex ) was enough for 45 minutes of “serious” erection, which was fully down in 2 hours. After 11 months of floppiness, it felt “great”. I used a BD “UltraFine” needle, 30 gauge, 8mm (5/16″) long — no pain.

I was slightly sore, and I don’t know if it was from the drug, or the erection itself. I’ll work with my doctor on that — she knows what she’s doing. The current rehab plan is:

. . even days — 100 mg Viagra (no response, yet)

. . odd days — injection

Thanks to all the list members who have helped me along. The online community has been invaluable to me over the past year.

Are there lymph glands in the penis???

I do not have a discharge, and does not appear to be an infection. This morning it looked a lot better, so of course we made love. Now tonight it looks so horrible.  A little clarification. I wrote we had a lot of sex. Actually we tried to have sex once, the rest of the time we both just  helped each other have orgasms. I have not been to a Dr. as I am out of the country. I will be back in the states late Monday night.

If things are not cleared up, to be sure I will make a bee line to an emergency center from the airport.

I really understand your

concern with your problem, but I would sincerely advise against any more self-medication. Try to stay calm until you see your doctor – we are capable of imaging the most catastrophic things that turn out to be simple. I’ve been there, done that.

admin February 28, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

High cholesterol foods should not cause your feet

and ankles to swell. If your genitals (penis and scrotum) are swelling (and “actually leaking fluid”), you may well have heart and/or kidney failure. Are you short of breath? You need to see a physician. Sodium (as in salt) can cause you to retain fluids, but edema (especially anywhere other than your ankles) is a sign warranting a prompt visit to a competent medical doctor.

admin February 7, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

I actually had what I believed

to be a respectable woody going on,  and thought I would go for it!!! So, along with a little petro gel in gel form, tried to force it in. Of course she was really tight, and it wouldnt go. Two or three attempts were made. Is it possible I ruptured the inner chambers that usually fill with blood and give a erection???

Is it possible to have an infection with out drainage or pain in urination??? Is there an infection that is charateristic of a swollen unit???

I am not due to the states until Monday Night, late. At this point I do not care how I fix it, and in desperation bought some 2nd or third generation Amoxicyllin.
I am not likely to leave the states again, is to scary!!!

admin January 28, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

Did you ever find out if the cathader was partly the cause of your ED?

Thats how it started with me, I was loosing it during fore play. Do the meds work for you?
When I had kidney trouble last year, the dr had to place a stent in the urethrea, and with the bladder scopes, I have experienced some really awful pain with these procedures. I think that is one of my biggest problems is pain, I have chronic pain which never ends 24/7.

I’m 48 and have trouble keeping it up

When I first start it gets hard but start to lose it while we are having floor play. The Doc put me on ED meds. But I did not have this trouble till I had a cathader when I was in the hospital, and had a blood clot go into my lung. Now that I have no galblader and the rest of the above I have been having trouble and with sex drive just not as storng as it was before.

admin February 5, 2013 Leave A Comment Permalink